my update will most likely be the most boring out of the bunch, but who cares, right? this year has been so crazy for us. for me personally, i have struggled with the balancing act of it all. somedays i feel like i have conquered the world if the babies have received a bath, and if i receive one too, then well… look out world peace i’m coming for ya! i question my ability as a mom somedays when i find myself wishing i had put a lock on the pantry door because that happens to be the one i’m hiding behind. when we met with out pediatrician concerning jackson’s sleeping habits, or ahem… lack thereof, he told me that realistically I should spend about 10 minutes of each hour one-on-one with each child, and the rest I should just supervise while allowing them independent play. of which i then told him that in all honesty, there are some days that i don’t even give myself ten minutes of independent play, much less independent toilet paper dispensing. but lets not get graphic, it’s the holidays.
i have this issue with guilt. i’m horribly insecure at times, and i am overcome with worry that i will do something to traumatize my children for life. i do this thing when i get really frustrated, and if i could put an audio clip in i would so you could get the full effect, but it basically sounds like a cow bawling and it absolutely sends jackson into a frenzy. he goes running around the house trying to find dusty saying, “daddy? where you at daddy? mama ‘fustuated’ again.” then i feel like such a horrible mother the rest of the day.
one of our very sweet friends told dusty in a twitter response that i was gracious and beautiful… oh how the cinematography lies. truly, most days i am none of these. i quite often wake up with spit-up between my boobs and 1-2 puffs stuck in my ponytail somewhere. i toggle between prayer and barnyard words most of the day, and i am so envious of those other moms who clearly have it together. i’m that mom who doesn’t go anywhere during the day because her children haven’t had their morning poops, and heaven forbid i have one (or two) explosions to deal with in the car, or Target, or jackson’s favorite… Lowes. but life is getting easier as the babies grow. they are so awesome, even on their worst days, and i feel so crazy blessed to be their mother.
dusty convinced me this fall to get an iPhone, and i must say it has changed my life. i didn’t want to at first, but the phone i had originally gotten from AT&T kept randomly turning off, so I took the plunge. now when i am hiding in the pantry and i happen to have my phone with me, i can look up the weather, check my email, and look at the PEOPLE.com app that is all too often my guilty pleasure.
i’m still working two nights a week, and those two nights seem to last a lifetime. i hate being away from my boys. i know i have it a lot better than some moms who work 5 days a week, but i’m just really over working night shift. it’s going on seven years of this and my body is confused. i don’t sleep. i try to nap before work, but most days it’s a lost cause. so basically i stay awake from Sunday morning until sometimes Tuesday morning, after my AWESOME mother-in-law takes my two little monsters tykes for the day. but i’m still nursing Emerson, so i’m back up in three hours to pump. they need to make a pump bra to sleep in. maybe i’ll take that on the show Shark Tank and see if i can get a few investors.
despite the night shift, i love what i do outside of motherhood. being a nurse is completely rewarding, and it challenges my brain and understanding of life. most recently, my managers have allowed me to begin doing something so incredible. as we all know, dusty is the photographer around these parts, and he will continue to be so don’t be alarmed. but now, i have taken some of what dusty has taught me and i am applying it to my own work.
people ask me how i work with all of those laboring moms and those tiny babies and i tell them like someone once told me…. “99% of the time it is so amazing, but it’s the 1% that makes it unbearable sometimes.” that 1% when the outcome is not happy, and the cry that the mother has longed to hear for so many weeks is not heard. it is this which leaves my heart aching for these mother’s i don’t know, but yet will always be connected to because of what i have experienced with them. i have had the honor of being the nurse for those families who leave the hospital without their beautiful babes in their arms, and now it is my privilege to be there with them after delivery and photograph their first few moments as a family. oh it is heartbreaking to say the least, but i feel as though the Lord has instructed me to do this. the suffering that is captured by the lens only brings me closer to God, and leaves me crying at the foot of the cross for the same suffering that He endured as a father. after these particular nights, i come home and i can’t help myself. i cry for these mothers and fathers and families. i cry that they will never talk to their pediatrician about why their child keeps waking up 8 times a night, or why their child wants to eat every two hours at night. and then my ridiculous perils as a mom seem just that… ridiculous.
we are just now getting settled into our new home, and i finally know where some of my stuff is, at least the essentials. ya know like the toilet paper, the paper towels, the chocolate, and the butt paste. all very important to a mother’s survival. am i right?
if you stuck it out reading this crazy long post, then thank you, and once again thank you for following the stepps. we wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.